I find myself having difficult dreams lately. They're more like replays from my past. Replays of how I would've responded had I had my attitude that I have now back then. Replays of the many fights I would've gotten into had I just spoken up for myself. Just...so many replays. I was such a fucking push over, it literally makes me sick to my stomach when I think about it now because I didn't stand up for myself, yet I stood there in several occasions and cried and took backlash because I couldn't hold my own. Those depression and suicidal stages I went through were so real and indescribable. These dreams I've been having lately come from so much rage and regret. I wake up so mad like "oh my fucking god...why didn't I do that when I had the chance?!". So angry and disappointed, I walked around mad at everyone else. I've been so bitter with the people I've had to encounter from those times. So bitter that I'm seen as this bitch. I've had to do some really deep soul searching with this one, because I know that some people are just plain mental and go shooting places just because. But I also understand the ones that do it because they're tired. DISCLAIMER: I AM NOT SAYING IN ANY WAY, SHAPE, OR FORM THAT THESE SHOOTINGS ARE JUSTIFIED AND NEEDED NOR AM I STATING THAT THE SUSPECTS FOR THIS REASON SHOULD NOT BE TRIED BECAUSE THERE ARE OTHER WAYS TO DEAL WITH DEPRESSION, BULLYING, SUICIDE, AND ANGER! I'm saying that I understand the feeling of being tired. I understand what it's like to wake up and want to go back to sleep forever because you've realized you have to go to school with those same kids that just pulled that prank on you in front of everyone. I understand what it's like to receive those stupid prank calls being told you're ugly or that you need to die. I understand what it's like when you take necessary actions to defend yourself, yet still end up being in the wrong because they only support the popular crowd. TRUST ME...I UNDERSTAND. But since those dreams, I've had to revamp myself in a healthier way. It's never good to hold grudges in such a way that it holds you back from being a better person and that's exactly what I was doing reminiscing about them damn idiots who said something stupid and I didn't respond. I know that the person I am today came from me overcoming these situations. My attempts to fit in really put me in a bad space. I wasn't able to get that Dereon book bag and my hair wasn't long to my back, and in my mind I wasn't the prettiest. But oh baby, when you see me now, I am the most UNBOTHERED, that I've ever been in a while. I still cry, but I cry with certain people like my mom or my sister or my dad because I can't hurt them. I love them. All I can do with them is have a yelling match because I won't dare lay a finger on either one of them. I've had to channel forgiveness for these dreams and past situations. I've had to really be rational and understand that even though I am forgiving this person, I am not being a pushover. I'm choosing to forgive so I can sleep better at night, put my mind at ease. I don't want to wake up wondering what if anymore, I want to move forward. While moving forward, I find myself bringing certain actions into my future that's not exactly healthy. Back then, when someone spoke bad about me, I kept my mouth closed and I cried. Now, when someone speaks bad about me, I stop listening and I go straight into defense mode. I don't process the entire situation when I do that. Back then, when someone got in my face or in my area, I backed away and cried. Now(which I should've been doing to begin with), I hit first and ask questions later. I'm my own monster in the making because I feel like I can't just let someone get over on me again or I can't let you talk bad about me and not hear me speak up for myself. I'm damaging myself when I do that. I'm damaging relationships. I don't know how I got through those times when I was in those depressed stages because I really felt as though I had no one to talk to or that no one would understand what I was going through. I don't know how I did it, but I'm stronger because of it. I have to understand that not only am I not a pushover because I'm choosing to forgive them, but that everyone is out there living their lives while I'm here, thinking about how I can get back at them from years ago. After I've understood this, I have to pick up the pieces of myself I let fall. I won't sit around and be depicted as this angry black woman because I can't get past these idiots and their decisions as kids. I continue to take some time to myself and shut down all the negative options of getting over this situation and forgiveness seems like the most logical way to go. Again, you're not a pushover if you choose to forgive, you just know you would rather be sane than go through your life mad at the world. Always choose your sanity. These trolls that come for you, they're doing that because they don't have a better way to express themselves. They're looking to be relevant. So you know what I've started saying? Bitch you can't be relevant in my corner. You can no longer take my shine, you can no longer hurt me, you can no longer do or say anything that will tear me down. The only one who is allowed to do that is me.